Un-frikkin-believable! You couldn’t write this stuff – but write it I shall so you can all see what I’m dealing with here! This confirms it, the planet is DEFINITELY not big enough! After recent events, that is glaringly obvious!
Before I get into the absolute joke that is my life, let me take you back 2 years. Back to when I first arrived in Australia (wide eyed and completely unaware how the “big wide world” was not that “big” and nor that “wide”) I moved in with a friend from back home and being new to the city and the country for that matter, she invited me out to dinner with some friend of hers. It was a great way for me to meet some new people.
It was a gathering of about 8 ladies and they were all very lovely, particularly one lady sat next to me who recognised my accent to be similar to her husbands. We’ll call her Julie. As a Geordie we do have a particularly broad accent but to the rest of the world someone from Newcastle would sound very similar to someone from Manchester so I didn’t think too much of it. I, of course then asked Julie how they met seeing as though she was Australian. She told me that she and we’ll call him Sam had met while travelling Asia. They had been together 6 years and now had 2 beautiful children (beautiful indeed, she showed me their pictures). A fairy tale ending is always nice to hear especially since I was single and looking for love.
And so the evening went on, full of laughs, drinks and delicious food. Time got away from all of us and we didn’t realise how late it had gotten until Julie announced “Oh there’s the hubby ringing, I told him I would be home by now”. Instinctively I looked at the phone ringing on the table top, what was strange about it was that the picture of the man on her caller ID was very familiar to me. Why would I recognise Julie’s Husband? Oh yes, that’s right I used to date him! No, wait – what????
Yes that’s right folks! Julie’s lovely husband and I had done it, several times. We met through work and having to liaise with each other often we found that we got along quite famously. After a couple of years our friendship turned to flirting by which point he had decided to leave and travel the globe. This resulted in the remaining time frantically used to release pent up passion.
We stayed in touch through Facebook and emails for several months. I watched with envy as he was constantly pictured with bronzed skin, bikini clad girls. I always daydreamed of surprising him in whatever country he happened to be in that week. I would be dressed in TINY denim shorts, have sun bleached hair (amazingly achieved within hours of landing) with a surf board under my arm (not sure where I learned to surf either) and he would pick me up and kiss me. We’d live happily ever after in Paradise and spend our days fishing, snorkelling and making love. This all came to an abrupt halt when I learned he had met someone in Asia. Of course I accepted this with the upmost grace and respect. NOT. I was a selfish and overly emotional wreck. Someone had come and messed up my imaginary relationship.
And there I was, sat next to that someone! While people were busy finishing their coffees and dividing the bill, I was sat there almost in cardiac arrest. Finally it was time to go and I was anxious to get the hell out of there but not before a goodbye hug! As Julie and I hugged, I felt like such a two faced cow for not coming clean and I was sure she was going to see the guilt in my eyes and claw them out but I managed to escape unscathed with my secret still a secret.
So that brings me back to the present day. I’m still flummoxed that this is my actual life but I’m just going to get right into it! I was at work contacting customers with a friendly reminder that the services on their vehicles was due. After 10 or 15 of these calls you kind of go on auto pilot, you know. So I was listening to the ring of another phone when a voicemail cut in telling me “Hi this is Sam, sorry I can’t get to the phone. Leave a message and I’ll call you back”. The accent sounded familiar which was funny enough but I had begun leaving the message when it dawned on me that it was that same dude!!! My voice faltered for a moment but I pulled it back. Until I then ended with this absolute gem “…if you could call Ashleigh Mitchell back on…” WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LEAVE MY FULL NAME? Honestly.
And there we have it, I’m left praying on everything that is pure in this world that he has sold his car and does not call back. How I function on a day to day basis when I’m this big of a knob is beyond me. And really how is this even physically possible? With a customer base of 10’000, with over 200 car dealerships in Brisbane, with 23.1 million people in Australia – how did this EVEN happen? Looking at the law of averages how is it possible that I have indirectly came across this guy, not once but twice??? No, seriously, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?? So not only do i need to fear snakes, sharks and spiders I now also need to fear ex boyfriends in Oz!
It’s becoming uncomfortably apparent that Earth is not big enough for the amount of men I’ve dated. What’s even more worrying – of the 16 years I’ve been able to date, I have been in a relationship for 12 and a half of them. 3 and a half years of dating sees me bumping into the dating subjects on the other side of the world.
This post is for all the single ladies out there, perhaps you need to think before going out on a date. In fact- I’m encouraging it. Want to throw caution to the wind? DON’T! That evening on the sofa with your cat may seem lame now but I warn you, until travelling to far off planets in the universe is an option – there is NOWHERE to hide.
If you’re feeling me, give me a like! I would love to hear your comments though. Come on share your war stories!
Picture credit : Day Eighty Two – This World Is Too Small by Keenan Brown