Me VS Beauty Standards

I have considered dropping a dress size; in fact I tell a lie – I obsess about dropping a dress size and it’s not because I hate the way I look it’s because I don’t think everybody else in our seemingly manufactured society would deem me acceptable.

I’ve lived in this body for almost 31 years and I’ve been smaller than I am now and I’ve been bigger. This right now is the happiest I’ve been in life. I live in one of the best countries in the world; I’m in a loving, healthy relationship but if I’m being honest, I would love a smaller sized body and I don’t know that the amount of time I spend obsessing over it is for the right reasons.

I do not want this for the health aspect, more of the image aspect. The pressure to look a certain way to fit in with and to Keep up with the Kardashians so to speak is getting to me.

I keep thinking that I’m going to have to lose weight in order to avoid a confrontation or an insult. Although I manage to spend time in the pool or at the beach wearing a bikini without repercussions, embarrassment and no one recoiling in disgust & horror I’m still waiting for it to happen.

I embrace the person I am, my personality, quirks and what I stand for so why not the package it comes in? I feel like just because my thighs touch and my belly is abit wobbly that I’m undesirable and not good enough. What’s even more f***ed up is that the package I think I should be presenting to gain approval from people I don’t know is a manufactured one.

What am I hoping that comes from me losing weight? A weight lifted from my mind, a freedom from any anxiety I may be suffering from? Will things seem less daunting and intimidating to me if I weigh less? Will I feel less insecure and unsure of my ability to do things that seem overwhelming to me because I’m smaller?

When I was smaller I was still insecure, things didn’t come easier to me and I was told I was too skinny. In fact I was miserable but yet I keep thinking that something magical will come of losing weight, like all my shit would suddenly be together because I was skinny.

I imagine being able to parade around in expensive MATCHING underwear, full of smiles, confidence and oozing sex appeal. Wearing sassy outfits paired with high heels (basically Rachel the Paralegal from Suits). Why is that only a possibility to me if I lose weight? Why can’t I do those things now?

Being honest I think I want to achieve a big “wow” moment from my partner. You know what I’m talking about – he’s lost for words and his eyes are popping out (have we not all dreamed of this moment?) I’m positive he loves me just the way I am but I want him to be floored by me. Is it ridiculous (and insulting to him) to think that dropping a size will achieve this moment? What if it didn’t? And if it did would my life be complete or would I be off seeking then next wow moment? I don’t even think that dropping a size would achieve this little scenario I have in my head as it isn’t realistic. I think only a lot of training, restricted diets, airbrushing and good lighting would give me the desired end result.

The truth is I don’t want to spend hours upon hours in the gym, I don’t want to weigh out my food and I don’t want to obsess about how my body looks to other people. I want to get more active, drink less alcohol (reluctantly) and become accepting of my body. I have days where I feel comfortable enough to go out in public wearing board shorts, thongs (flip flops) and a KISS t-shirt. I like to enjoy a few wines and eat delicious food. I just want to enjoy it without the guilt that comes immediately after it.

Could I live out the rest of my days in this body as it is without something terrible happening? It’s not like my naked body is on display, up for debate so why do I spend a lot of my waking hours worrying about it? Am I a failure if I don’t lose any weight? Am I not achieving my true potential by being heavier? Is it something I should be striving for? Or can I give up this obsession to shrink my body?

Deep down I know the answers to all of these ridiculous but real questions. I shouldn’t care what people think and I don’t need permission from anybody that I’m ok as I am, that’s for me to decide. I can only imagine how much energy I waste thinking about this but yet waste it I do.

There’s a saying somewhere “if you fail, you didn’t want it badly enough”, maybes it isn’t important to me but I just think that it should be.

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25 thoughts on “Me VS Beauty Standards

  1. Another well written honest and important blog Ash. You are a beautiful and stunning person inside and out, it is not your insecurities it is the pressure that this society puts on us they want us to be people we are not meant to be. When you look at any advert about weight loss they use models who dont need to loose weight making us think OMG looking at her I need to loose weight, wrinkle cream is used on young women who dont have wrinkles in the first place !!!! these manufacturers want us to buy their products so make us feel insecure in our own bodies – we should celebrate who and what we are, what we have all achieved in life and learn to love ourselves (not easy I know) . My son fell in love with you and will love you no matter what, let us live a healthier lifestyle if we want to and not because we feel pressured by not just by society but by other people , we need to stand tall and be proud and live for us not others who make money out of our insecurities. Love you xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Beautiful. You. Your honesty. All of it. They say the key is to be confident in your own body, to own it, but they never tell you how.

    Bastards.

    Days after my last breakup my Valentine’s Day gift for my now suddenly ex arrived- lingerie I’d bought for our planned getaway. It sat in the box for days until I finally decided I should send it back, but I might as well look at it first. And then I might as well try it on. I stood in the bathroom looking at me in this black corset and just had a moment of “DAMN!!” I put on some heels and makeup and snapped a few pictures. Not for anyone else, just to capture the moment of me feeling more sexy than I had possibly ever. Sometimes you just need to see yourself in a different light to see how badass and amazing you are.

    Good luck on your journey! Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well done you Ash an honest and realistic piece of work that will resonate with a lot of women and men -as I believe there to be pressure on both now that we have the David Beckham’s of this world. The sad thing is if ask the majority of women to measure how happy they are with their bodies most of them will not be regardless of how near they to that illusion of what is perfect. We should all embrace the space we own inside and out. You are a lovely young woman who wakes up in the morning and strives to make a difference to enhance the lives of others as well as your own. You cannot get more beautiful than that xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can’t tell you how much that resonates with me. I also feel dissatisfied with my figure, with its wobbles and less-than-size-10-ness (it’s a UK 14/16). One of the main reasons is that I know, or have known, as friends (who I have occasionally been known to fancy. Umm. OG.) guys who make no secret of the fact they only fancy slim athletic women – which are exactly the type of women the media shove down our throats as the supposed image of perfection.
    I don’t want to go to the gym endlessly (and frankly, with M.E. I bloody well can’t), I love eating, I love a glass of wine. Therefore I seem locked in a battle with my conscious that says “diet! Strive for a better body!” and the rest of me which says “be happy and love yourself!”. I’m not *that* fat, I don’t look appalling, guys do fancy me – but this creeping self-loathing is really insidious and hard to ignore. I find it really sad. And I know that being slimmer wouldn’t actually change anything fundamental!
    Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in my see-saw thoughts on physique… xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly me – the daily battle! Well that’s what this blog is about, speaking to people and letting them know they aren’t alone and letting me know that I’m not alone! Thanks so much! I also love your feedback and your blog of course xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Cheers to such insightful, honest writing. I cannot imagine one woman in my life who wouldn’t be able to relate wholeheartedly with all you’ve said. Well said! I look forward to reading your other posts!

    Liked by 1 person

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