#tbt My Secret

I always vowed I would never cheat, until I did.

I had an affair.

I knew better. I really did but what I was involved in had me so intoxicated that all my sense and morals went out of the window. It all happened so fast.

I think writing about it will help me have closure over it as it was never truly dealt with. The person I was then is a total conflict of who I am now. I pride myself on being honest and upfront so I think I’m ready to talk about it…..

To protect the identity of the other party involved I will be calling him Mr Jones. I write on my behalf only.

How it started…

So Mr Jones and I had been talking one day, laughing and joking as we always did when we saw each other and one of us had made reference to a movie that we both happened to love! This started up a conversation about said movie, after which we both went our separate ways.

Later that evening as I was sat at home with my boyfriend, an advert came on for that same movie (that always happens doesn’t it, you don’t see it for years but you speak of it and its suddenly being shown that week). I sent a quick text to Mr Jones. He replied – Want to watch it together? I miss you when you’re not around.  I assumed he was drunk so thought best not to reply.

Fifteen minutes later my thoughts were still on the conversation. We’d always flirted and I had enjoyed it. Sometimes when seeing each other he would hold out a hand and we would sort of catch fingers. I always thought that it was cool, that we were so comfortable with each other even though we both had our respective partners. I did find him attractive and I thought highly of him.

Without being able to help myself, I picked up my phone and replied. What do you mean? Are you drunk? I could barely contain my excitement when my phone vibrated in my hand. Sorry Ash, my mates have had their hands on my phone! Sorry again! I couldn’t believe how disappointed I felt. Not wanting to lose the buzz, I quickly replied. I can’t remember exactly how it came to be that we ended up admitting an attraction for one another. All i know is that I was dizzy with excitement.

Our next encounter was in a group situation. When I arrived, Mr Jones was already there. I admit I had been playing out fantasies in my head where I’d sashay in looking completely different than I actually do, wearing fabulous clothes I don’t own and acting like an absolute star. In reality I probably tripped up on arrival and was having a bad hair day.

I could feel his eyes on me and I was more aware of him than anything around me. I avoided eye contact but made sure I was smiling and tried my best to look sexy (however one would achieve this??).Before long my phone buzzed – Hi I’ve broken the ice, now it’s your turn. I looked up and his eyes were on me, smouldering. I felt hot and my face immediately flushed. I got up and went to the bathroom to give myself a stern talking to. Instead I jumped up and down like an excited child. This was bad!

A few hours later, I was positively on fire. Mr Jones had come and struck up conversation with someone sat opposite me and stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders, fingers slyly stroking the nape of my neck. We’d managed a few words to each other in person and about a thousand over text. I was finding it hard to contain my smile every time I looked at him.

I knew what was happening was wrong but I just could not help myself. I felt alive and attractive for the first time in months. I had been unhappy in my relationship, my boyfriend and I were like ships in the night, spending weekends apart and sleeping with our backs to each other in bed.

When Mr Jones asked me out for a drink, I initially refused. It was a knee jerk reaction, my morals kicking in probably. But with gentle persuasion I was helpless and followed him to a pub off the beaten track. I remember driving behind him, willing myself to turn around (I’m pretty sure I was also shouting at myself) but I never did.

We pulled into the pub car park; my hands were gripping the steering wheel. I took a few deep breaths and tried to ignore my racing heart and the fact that my knees were practically knocking together. Climbing out of the car I was convinced I was having a stroke. There he was standing in front of me, hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. He kissed me, just the once and began to walk into the pub. I was left standing there breathless….TO BE CONTINUED

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16 thoughts on “#tbt My Secret

  1. Very brave, thought provoking and I hope you reach others who don’t realise when they date fuck-tards. Don’t hate the played – hate the player #peace


  2. Once again a really well written piece, a brilliant idea to write in two parts to keep people waiting, can’t wait for the next part. I have written two other comments but they are not on here third time lucky !!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Right…..I was quite hooked and then…To be continued. Just subscribed as was such a good read that don’t wanna miss it when you write part 2. Its funny as this is real to you but somehow i felt like reading a paragraph straight from a Jackie Collins novel ! . Sassy

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post – I sadly made the mistake of cheating on someone long ago… it plagued me for year. It took me a long time to trust myself again. Eventually I accepted I am not perfect. I made a promise to myself that if I found myself unhappy/bored etc in a relationship, I was going to leave before I did anything to feel guilty about. We live: We learn 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks for the honesty – I’ve been in that same place where I had this completely wrong attraction, but it feels SO STRONG and confusing and perfect at the same time. Life is very confusing and messy sometimes. 😕

    Liked by 1 person

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