Have you ever had that feeling? It comes with a slight voice in your head, a single butterfly dancing around in your tummy. I had it right then! It was magical. He had called to say that he needed to speak with me and would there soon. He’d only just left me a couple of hours ago and I hadn’t been expecting to see him until the following day. What could be so urgent? “He’s going to propose!” the little voice excitedly whispered. His voice had sounded thick with emotion. I couldn’t quite place it; he didn’t seem upset or angry with me. He sounded nervous.
I had been engaged to him once before of course but this time it was different, we were different.
We met when we were 17 at a nightclub where we both worked. He was built, a set of sparkling blue eyes partnered with a cheeky smile and a charm I could not resist! I was confident, flirtatious, exciting and possessed a style and attitude that I envy myself of now. Youth really is wasted on the young! – I love that I talk like this seeing as though I’m only actually 30!
He was rough around the edges, bringing an element of danger and I was sassy with a slight edge of sensibility to keep him grounded. It was us against the world. We were a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, although being older and wiser looking back it was just your typical, hormone driven teenage romance.
We were both head over heels. Being sooo in love as we were, we rushed things, of course knowing better than everyone else. We were moving in together after 6 months and engaged after 8.
The relationship was volatile from the get go, like when a tornado meets a volcano as Eminem so perfectly put it. We thought this meant passion but yet it was just dysfunction. Alcohol fuelled fiery arguments which became the norm for us. We were both becoming insecure and paranoid about each other. Not one of us wanted to take responsibility for our actions or roles played in the fall out. We apologised for the sake of it and we never learned from our mistakes.
The engagement ring was thrown at his head, into the gutter, at his feet more times than I care to remember. We were forever breaking up and then mere hours later, making up. We just couldn’t let each other go. Loves young dream eh!
Eventually, once out of our teens we started to grow up and the break ups and arguments subsided to minor squabbles and no longer involved me storming off in the middle of a night out in town or us screaming at the top of our lungs to be heard. We learned how to keep problems between ourselves but the problems were still problems.
We called it off for a little while 8 weeks or so. We both dated and spent time with ourselves. We’d been together 3 and a half year. It seems nothing now but those 8 weeks was the longest time. We got back together and agreed to date again. After a while we had slowly started to remember why we fell in love in the first place.
And now there I was trying to contain my excitement. Walking back and forward in anticipation! We’d planned to move some of my stuff back into our house and make our home again but we hadn’t discussed putting the ring back on my finger. What would I say? How was he going to do it? The last proposal came at the end of a tearful argument by way of an apology so it didn’t really count!
He pulled up and I climbed into the passenger seat, full of smiles for him. He smiled and I noticed him tear up. He pulled me to him and hugged me hard, no words were spoken. He began to drive and he reached for my hand holding it to his chest.
I could see him looking at me lovingly while he drove, fighting back the tears. I smiled and stroked his face while asking where we were headed. He said he wanted to park up somewhere we could talk.
We pulled into a Toby Carvery car park nearby. I tried to hide my disappointment; this is not where I pictured my magical proposal to take place! He turned off the ignition and angled his body to face me. He said nothing for the longest of time. I started to feel a wash of dread come over me.
He took both my hands in his and held on to them ever so tightly. All sorts of shit was running through my head from “oh my god, he’s dying!” to “I hope he doesn’t have an STI” then “He’s defaulted on the mortgage”.
I watched him take a deep breath, close his eyes for a moment and then mutter “I’m having a baby…. with someone else”.
WHACK! – This is the sound of life, bitch slapping me right in my shocked face.
No shit Sherlock! Because guess what? I’m definitely NOT pregnant.
Oddly I found myself hugging him, reassuring him all would be ok. He wept in my arms, thanked me for being so supportive. Inside I was reeling, the blood pounding in my ears. My conscience was screaming at me to get out of the car and to run far, far away with my arms flailing.
“Will you be the step mother to my illegitimate baby?” was not the proposal I was anticipating!
Like what you’re reading, hit LIKE! Feel free to comment and you can even follow me on Facebook if you want more!