DO NOT DISTURB!

“GET OUT! GET OUT! OH MY GOD GETTTT OUTTTT!!!” I screamed. He was like a deer caught in the headlights; he froze, stammering “I- I- I didn’t know you were in here!” He quickly ran out of the room as I looked on horrified at his fast retreating form. I couldn’t believe it! I was so embarrassed. What was I supposed to do now?

This dramatic and aggressive outburst from me was a result of my privacy being invaded; I had been sat on the toilet with my pants around my knees, minding my own business when in he had walked with a lovely smile on his face and two glasses of wine in hand.

Now as you’ve probably guessed, I’m not one for going to the toilet in front of a partner; it just doesn’t feel right to me! How can you not look disgusting doing that? I forever want to remain sexy to my partner and how is that to be achieved if they know what I look like sat on a porcelain throne?!

I took a few moments to collect my thoughts and for my cheeks to return to a normal colour. I decided to try and approach this with humour and maybe we could have a laugh about it. I washed my hands and splashed some water onto face. I tried telling myself that it wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened and then it dawned on me! He must have known I was in there, it couldn’t have been a mistake as he had gone to hand me one of the glasses of wine! That’s even worse than walking in by accident; he’d done so with intent!

Walking back into his bedroom, I felt my face begin to blaze. “What did you do that for?” I questioned in a demanding tone although I didn’t actually want an answer!  I couldn’t laugh this off, I was mortified! He was sat there in his bed with an amused expression, again insisting that he didn’t know that I was in there. The look on his face told me otherwise but he didn’t seem to want to discuss it and I certainly did not want to discuss it. I nodded, took my place beside him in bed and hoped my reaction to his intrusion had enforced a boundary that should never be crossed again.

Months later, over dinner we discussed the events of that night, enough time had passed so I was comfortable talking about it without wanting to crawl under the table.  “Babe you went nuts, I had to lie to you and say that I never knew you were in there” he laughed. “Well I’m just not comfortable with that sort of thing! It takes away all mystery in a relationship!” I exclaimed.  He shook his head and in an elderly gentleman’s voice he announced “yes, the Mrs and I have been together for 40 years and you know why that is? I’ve never once seen her pee! That’s the secret to all successful relationships!” To which he then dissolved into fits of laughter!

It’s become a bit of a running joke now. We’ve moved into a small apartment, which has basically two rooms with a tiny En-Suite much to my embarrassment and his delight. He has taken to doing one of two things in his playful nature! He will either stand outside of the bathroom door and tell me he can hear me or he will follow me to the bathroom and stand in the doorway to ask if he can watch me all because he loves the reaction it gets. This involves lots of shrieking, threats of violence and me struggling to shut him out of the bathroom. It’s always followed by lots of laughter (mainly his).

I know in his weird little way that he would see this as a milestone in our relationship as he’s stated before that it wouldn’t bother him one iota. I’ve also read that it’s supposed to show how relaxed and open you are in your relationship but there will NEVER be a day that I will willingly go to the toilet in front of him! EVER! I think we’ll do just fine without that horrific display of trust!

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