My Secret….continued

Mr Jones and I continued our affair. Meeting up in random car parks, I would jump into his car and off we would go to the pub which became our own slice of heaven where we could hold hands, kiss and talk without the fear of being seen. We’d discuss where we would like to go on holiday and try to ignore the fact that we were making mistakes. Pushing the boundaries once, we went to a well-known shopping centre in the area, laughing with arms around each other not a care in the world. When we weren’t together we would text and he would go off to walk the dog so he could call me. It was all rainbows, glitter, sunshine and unicorns when it wasn’t nausea, guilt, shame and disappointment.

Feelings had started to grow, which didn’t help this situation any. I felt like I loved him. What we had was better than anything. I turned to Mr Jones whenever I had a bad day and he would make it better. I really felt like he cared for me. The chemistry was mind blowing. Other feelings like jealously had also started to creep in when it came to each other’s partners, I hated it when I didn’t hear from Mr Jones and I would get shitty with him about it.

I remember one weekend my boyfriend and I went away as it was something that had been booked earlier in the year. I was dreading it and didn’t want to go but seemingly he wanted to make an effort. I had managed to stay in touch with Mr Jones the whole time through text; I couldn’t even go the day without speaking to him (I was that hooked). Sat in a bar later that day, my boyfriend noticed that I had my nose buried in my phone and asked who I was talking to. I lied of course and feeling guilty I put my phone away. While he was at the bar I slipped my phone down the inside my boot. When I felt it vibrate I would give it 5- 10 minutes and make excuses to go the toilet. The guilt was consuming me and I began chugging my drinks down. I wanted to forget everything; I wanted to remember what it felt like to not feel any guilt and shame. This obviously resulted in my intoxication and forgetting all about the buzzing inside my right boot!

Waking the next morning without any recollection of getting home or undressed, I scurried about the floor looking for my phone. I had texts and missed calls from a panicked/jealous Mr Jones; again more guilt.

About 3 months into the affair we arranged to spend the weekend together. I’m not sure why it hadn’t happened earlier, maybes it was down to reservations from both Mr Jones and I. We both knew it was wrong. I made my excuses to my boyfriend and told him that I was staying with a friend that weekend. We went to a travel lodge a little out of the way. I remember being nervous as hell and sweating profusely, I should have walked away then.

This was the first time we had been alone in a room where nobody else was around, I was very aware of it. I felt inadequate, like my tongue was too big for my mouth. It was a very daunting feeling I couldn’t sit still; I made polite, pointless most likely shit conversation and sat in a chair in the corner of the room. If I got up to move anywhere, I felt like I might trip over and felt crawling might be a safer option. We watched some TV, talked and I finally began to relax.

The next morning I was on cloud nine, I was so irrevocably in love it was ridiculous. My heart was twice the size, everything was glorious and I was feeling like everything was falling into place. I was where I was supposed to be. That feeling deflated when I could feel a shift between us. Mr Jones appeared closed off, we were supposed to grab lunch before returning to our normal lives but he made his excuses and headed off early, not before reassuring me with a kiss and a smile that everything was fine.

Feeling lost and alone, I drove to my friend’s house to divulge every little detail of what had been happening in my life. She sat there and listened intently, to me basically telling her that I had cheated on my partner with someone who also had a partner. That I had been telling lies for months and that I was in love with someone who was not my boyfriend and not once did she slap me! She indulged me and then she brought me back to earth gently with her reality checks about the pain that could be caused to others as well as me. It was at that point I received a text from Mr Jones to say that he was going to his parents and that he would speak with me later. All was not well.

I waited and waited for a text or call and when that didn’t come I text to see if he was ok. It was 1am (I’d been climbing the walls for hours); when he replied that he had just gotten back from his parents. He had told them, about us! NOOOOOOOO!  He said they had not reacted how he had expected and that it wasn’t positive. I knew it was over.

How it ended

The days following are a bit of a blur but it was probably filled with smeared mascara, too much wine, bad food and sad, sad love songs that always make you feel worse. I felt like John Waite had written “Missing you” especially for this moment in my lifetime and I would sing it in a quiet voice before breaking down into body shuddering sobs. In all seriousness I felt empty. I can’t remember getting any answers on why he told his parents but I came to the conclusion on my own that he needed someone to know and to talk sense into him, giving him no other option but to end it.

I was relieved and I was heartbroken but I of course had to keep it secret. I had to swallow the pain and anguish I felt every morning when I woke up. I hated that we couldn’t talk it out like you could in a normal relationship. I didn’t see him for a long while after that, I used to write out texts and then never send them. There were times of weakness when I would send them but the replies I got weren’t the ones I wanted.

I had an affair and it didn’t end well.

Looking back, I am truly sorry. Nobody ever found out but it still sickens me to think I could have caused so much hurt and upset. My heartbreak was the price I had to pay for doing what I did. A while later I ended my relationship, we’d given up a long time before that and should have ended it a lot sooner.

I came out the other side a stronger and better person. I did what I did because I wasn’t happy in my relationship and as human beings we seek fulfilment elsewhere. This is NOT an excuse for what I did but that is the reality of it. I was too young and naïve to realise this wasn’t going to be found with Mr Jones.

Since the affair, I’ve made honesty a rule of mine. Those that know me will be able to vouch for this.  I’ve made a promise to myself that if I’m ever unhappy, I speak up about it or change it. I know I’m now being 100% honest with myself.

No matter how shitty the truth is, it is ALWAYS better than a lie.

Let’s discuss, leave a comment!

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11 thoughts on “My Secret….continued

  1. I commend you for being so brave and open about your experience. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to open up, but the fact that you’ve learned from the experience and it made you stronger, I think that counts as a great victory in the broader scope of life and your purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

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